It’s cool and rainy here today–I guess the drought may well be over at last, though in terms of the growing season, it’s very early days and the long hot days of summer are still ahead.
I’ve been reluctant to write about what’s to come but what the hell. Sometimes a girl just has to go balls out. It’s gnawing at me, and I think it’s time to ease that a little.
I find myself turning over a question that’s been in my mind and heart for some time now, and it’s simply this–why would a person cut off all avenues of communication but be a daily presence on this little blog of mine? Never mind how I know, though I’d tell you if you asked. I just do, and it seems to me that’s an indication of some kind of interest.
It could be this person will never darken my blog’s doorway again after this. I can deal with that. I’ve dealt with much worse and while it knocked me to my knees for a time, I got back up. In any case, it can’t get any worse or any more weird or distant or inexplicable, not from my perspective, and none of it changes what I carry with me every single day in regard to this person. I’m holding steadfast. Call me a damn fool if you will, but my heart is not my own and hasn’t been since we first started those shy, sweet, and sometimes awkward talks what seems like a lifetime ago.
In the last almost two years since there’s been this vast silence, I’ve seen how terribly weak I am, time after time after time. I could let that be the end of the story, but it’s only a part of it. There’s so much more.
I’ve also seen strength. I’ve found myself standing on the edge of the abyss and it would have been oh, so easy to just take that step forward, but I stepped back. I’ve faced down pain and loss and the weight of sadness. I’ve faced my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual weight. I’ve barely truly begun to deal with the physical, but in regard to the others? Hell yes, I’ve made progress. Huge progress. I thought I could never be happy again, but I’ve found that, while it’s tinged with bittersweet regret, there is happiness. I find contentment and joy in small things. And I love a man who . . . I love a man.
So you person, you–do what you need to do, just like you’ve been doing. It doesn’t change how I feel, not one bit. You have a good person here who loves you, who’s on your side, who wants nothing less for you than good. Be happy, with or without me, but be happy. And I will love you all of my days.
If that’s not strength, I don’t know what is.
And there’s this last thing: whatever it is, it ain’t crazy. I’ve never been more sane than I am now. Just sayin.