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Monthly Archives: May 2013


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Turns out it was a beautiful afternoon yesterday, just right for doing some mowing, and so I got ‘er done at my house sitting gig. I also got a blister the size of a quarter on my heel, thanks to a wardrobe malfunction in the sock area, but I think I’ll live.

My house sitting job will come to an end this weekend, and I’m really going to miss it. It’s been rewarding in ways that have nothing to do with money, and it’s made me nostalgic for my “faux wife” days with Mr. F, when running a household was my daily task and pleasure. Rewarding? Hugely. Nothing else I’ve done has ever given me the sense of satisfaction and purpose I found in playing householder. It was, for the most part, a satisfied life.

I ran across a link to the following on Facebook earlier today and it struck all kinds of chords with me, and maybe something in it will speak to you, too. I hope you’ll take the time to read it. This is the kind of life I aspire to.

ETA: Here’s a thing: T-shirts that were decidedly tight not that long ago are now decidedly much looser. Happy? Dang right I am!

Rain, rain, go away

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More heavy rain is on the way. Can I say that dampens my spirits? I’m getting mighty tired of this, and so is everyone else. Aside from threats of flooding, which are very much a possibility after a couple of days of freedom from that particular worry, this weather is messing with my head. Literally. Headache again today, as well as general joint achiness. Bleh. Rain, rain, go away, come again some other day.

It’s hard to keep a chipper attitude sometimes when you’re held hostage by forces you can’t control, but I’m working at it. That’s the thing about attitudes, good or bad–you have to work at them.

I’m hoping for a walk later on, but if I can’t get out, I’ll find some other way to get myself moving. More and more, I’m rediscovering the systemic benefits of regular activity, and I like the way I’ve been feeling overall. Even the body aches from the damp weather are lessened. The biggest benefit, though, is the boost to my sense of well-being, which is expanding almost daily. I’m feeling more myself, more that happy me I used to be, and that’s a darn good reason to keep moving.

Happy Thursday, all! Watch out for worms on the sidewalk!

A good day

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After a wonderful respite yesterday, we’re back to an unsettled weather day. It’s currently mostly cloudy, the air feels juicy, and I’d be surprised if there isn’t some rain later on. We dodged a bullet in terms of flooding in the last few days, though rivers and streams and lakes and ponds–all of which I visited yesterday–are very full. Unless we get a deluge, I’m thinking and hoping it won’t be a repeat of 2010.

The laundry’s going right now and I’ll have clean sheets tonight. I always look forward to that, though changing the sheets seems to be a chore. But then I remember my grandma using a wringer washer to do all the laundry down on the farm, and that was a huge improvement over boiling everything in the giant and wickedly heavy wash pot. I should not complain. All I have to do is take stuff upstairs, turn a dial or two, and I have laundry.

On the agenda for today is my weights routine and some yoga for my back, hanging with my kitters–we had such a good afternoon yesterday, sitting on the back porch enjoying the sun and birds and squirrels and reading (me) and napping (them)–maybe a short walk later if the heavens don’t open up. It’ll be a good day, whatever the weather.

Happy Wednesday, all!

ETA: Laundry’s just about taken care of, and I’ve done my weights and yoga, both of which left me sweating but feeling mighty fine. A brief thunderstorm moved through a bit ago, but it wasn’t serious about doing much other than making some noise. Lunch is over, too, and I’m looking ahead to my afternoon. Yep, it’s a good day.

On motivation

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Here’s the truth about me and motivation: I have exactly zero motivation on exactly all of the days of the week, the month, the year. ZEE-RO.

I have to make myself get up and get outside or pick up the weights or whatever it is I do, every single time I do whatever it is I do. There’s no “woo hoo! I get to go sweat and enjoy my back aching and my knees creaking and my hips going all tight on me!” I force myself.

I do it, though. Kind of sporadically lately, but I do it, and I’ll tell you why: it’s for those moments when I find myself sweating and red-faced and breathing hard and grinning. Yep, grinning. It’s for those moments when I visualize myself stepping outside of my overweight self, as if it were a costume I can just unzip and walk out of, when I strip off that weight and all the other crap that comes with it and leave it behind me in the dust, when I feel strong and sure and happy. When I see the thinner, stronger, tougher, better, happier me kicking fat me’s butt. In a good way. When I feel swift and fleet of foot, like that FTD guy, and like I could go on forever.

I know the reality is very different. I’ve been outpaced by grannies and cranky old men and arthritic dogs. It’s kind of like this for me:

What I feel like when I

This is one instance when clinging to the fantasy is wiser than being a realist.

I’m going to keep going. Motivated or not.

ETA: Just back from my walk and I ask you this: who’s a freaking rockstar Amazon? I am, that’s who. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

On Memorial Day

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I don’t have too much to say on this Memorial Day. After a bout with a particularly nasty migraine yesterday, I’m pretty well wiped out and it’ll be a day of rest and quiet for me. I do want to share the following video, though. It’s well worth five minutes or so of your day.

Things I’m tired of

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1. No sun.

2. Rain, then more rain, and some rain on top of rain.

3. Kitties peeing everywhere but in the box.

4. Wanting to settle into hibernation mode. See numbers 1 and 2 for more information.

5. Headaches. See number 2.

6. Body aches. See number 2.

7. I’m tired of whining. I get to see a friend I haven’t seen for quite some time today, and I’m happy about that. I’ll also get to hang out with my cat-sitting cats and watch the last two episodes of “Firefly,” after which I’ll be in mourning for a time, and it’s a great day for knitting, if I get it out and knit. Gotta forge ahead on the Random Hats project–I’m too close to the end to not push through my hat-making ennui and get ‘er done. I could use some movement, too, so will try for a walk. Barring that, there’s my weights routine and yoga for my back, which ought to ease some of the achiness I’m feeling. It’ll be a good day.

Have a good Sunday, all!



If that’s not strength . . .

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It’s cool and rainy here today–I guess the drought may well be over  at last, though in terms of the growing season, it’s very early days and the long hot days of summer are still ahead.

I’ve been reluctant to write about what’s to come but what the hell. Sometimes a girl just has to go balls out. It’s gnawing at me, and I think it’s time to ease that a little.

I find myself turning over a question that’s been in my mind and heart for some time now, and it’s simply this–why would a person cut off all avenues of communication but be a daily presence on this little blog of mine? Never mind how I know, though I’d tell you if you asked. I just do, and it seems to me that’s an indication of some kind of interest.

It could be this person will never darken my blog’s doorway again after this. I can deal with that. I’ve dealt with much worse and while it knocked me to my knees for a time, I got back up. In any case, it can’t get any worse or any more weird or distant or inexplicable, not from my perspective, and none of it changes what I carry with me every single day in regard to this person. I’m holding steadfast. Call me a damn fool if you will, but my heart is not my own and hasn’t been since we first started those shy, sweet, and sometimes awkward talks what seems like a lifetime ago.

In the last almost two years since there’s been this vast silence,  I’ve seen how terribly weak I am, time after time after time. I could let that be the end of the story, but it’s only a part of it. There’s so much more.

I’ve also seen strength. I’ve found myself standing on the edge of the abyss and it would have been oh, so easy to just take that step forward, but I stepped back. I’ve faced down pain and loss and the weight of sadness. I’ve faced my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual weight. I’ve barely truly begun to deal with the physical, but in regard to the others? Hell yes, I’ve made progress. Huge progress. I thought I could never be happy again, but I’ve found that, while it’s tinged with bittersweet regret, there is happiness. I find contentment and joy in small things. And I love a man who . . . I love a man.

So you person, you–do what you need to do, just like you’ve been doing. It doesn’t change how I feel, not one bit. You have a good person here who loves you, who’s on your side, who wants nothing less for you than good. Be happy, with or without me, but be happy. And I will love you all of my days.

If that’s not strength, I don’t know what is.

And there’s this last thing: whatever it is, it ain’t crazy. I’ve never been more sane than I am now. Just sayin.

Small things

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So I drove up to my favorite park last night, a place that feeds my soul like almost no other, and will do so until it gets warm and the darn kids take it over so they can loll on the tiny beach there and be loud and run off old farts like me who go there for the quiet. Darn kids. There were darn kids there last night and one of them kept yelling the most inane things, and for a while I thought he was on the wacky weed or something. Now I think it was just hormones and stupid teenage boy syndrome.

Anyway–so I went up there and was just gobsmacked to see the trees in full leaf. When did that happen? and how did I miss it? I’m not saying I want to rewind to when they were still completely bare so I can pay better attention to them coming into leaf, but damn, I hate having missed some of it.

Still, I love this time of year. I love the intense green of the growing things, I love the dandelions turning their sunny little faces up everywhere (yep, I love me some dandelions. They are not weeds in my book), I love love love the longer days, the mellow evenings, I love being able to be outside until 9:00 or later and it’s still light out. I love being barefoot. I love the sunsets. I wish I had someone to share all of this with, too, making it all a little bittersweet, but oh, I love this time of year.

Here’s something I’ve been thinking about, and liking very much: I truly like that I have the ability to take pleasure in small things, like mowing a lawn or seeing cheery dandelions massing across a field of green, or the simplest of knitting stitches, or a sunset.

I’m wishing you pleasure in small things today.

ETA: Just ran across this quote, and though it’s no small thing, I wanted to share it. Mr. F often told me that I let him be himself, and I think for the most part, I did. I’ve never quite understood why someone would choose a partner only to want to change him. I mostly loved his quirks, because those are what made him who he was–a unique individual.

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”
― Thomas Merton

Simple bliss

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So yesterday I mowed.

It was freaking awesome. No kidding.

I started in the backyard, thinking that any mistakes or embarrassments–like not being strong enough to pull the starter rope or running over my foot or something–would be hidden. I primed the engine, pulled the rope, and she fired right up for me–caught for a second–sputtered–died. Rats. The second time was the charm, though, and she ran like a champ after that.

It’d been close to fifteen years since I’d last had to mow, but I fell into familiar territory in no time flat, cutting in around the edges first, then sectioning off the yard as I pushed and walked, pushed and walked, pausing now and then to pick up sticks, to ease my way around tree roots, to secure a fallen strand of clothesline. The steps to that old slow sweet dance of the pivot-and-turn took no thought at all, and for a few minutes, there was nothing but the sound of the mower, the smell of the newly-cut grass, and complete happiness in that simple job of pushing and walking.

It was immensely satisfying. Just cutting the grass. Simple. Blissful.

Simple is good. Simple is beautiful. And there is beauty–even bliss–to be found in the mundane. I hope you find your own bliss today.


My day sorted

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Another cool and overcast day. I’d love to do nothing more than curl up with a book or my knitting or watch some TV–I’ve been watching “Firefly” lately, a show I could never get into until just a few days ago, and I finally get its popularity–but other things will have to come before goofing off.

I finally resumed my workout regimen yesterday and boy oh boy, did it feel good! Weights and yoga for my back were just the ticket to get me back in the groove after a sporadic week last week. Today, if I don’t mow the lawn (I’m house and cat-sitting this week and next and part of the package includes mowing), I’m aiming for a walk. If it doesn’t rain. Again. I may not work up quite the lather I have on the last few walks, but the movement will be good regardless.

Also on my agenda for today is a whole lot less time online. I’ve been working on a project with several other folks that has been taking up way too much of my time. It could be that I’m letting that happen, and feeling too responsible for folks who could be taking more initiative instead of relying on others to do the work for them. I’m all for helping folks out, but sometimes it’s best to let others fumble and make their own mistakes and learn from them in the process, so I’m going to be stepping back from this project somewhat.

That’s my day sorted, more or less–hope your day sorts itself out nicely, as well. Happy day, all!

ETA: I ran across this a bit ago while getting caught up on SouleMama, one of the scant handful of blogs on my “keeper” list. I liked it a lot, and maybe you will. And in case you didn’t know it, you’re all this, too. REally.

I am