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What matters

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My back hurt and my knees hurt and though it was sunny, the wind was sharp, and I almost wimped out and went back to the car. Almost. Then I firmed up my resolve and got moving and I had one of the best walks I’ve had in a very, very long time. By the time my car was back in sight, I was feeling like I could go on for somewhere close to forever. The pain and stiffness in my back–gone. My knees–still working. The cold wind–forget it. Damn, but I felt good, and that’s exactly what I’ve been working toward all this time. That feeling.

It’s not about the numbers. It’s not about my size. It’s about that feeling of overall well-being, that sense of accomplishment, that feeling that, if only for a while, all is so very right in my world. That’s worth every bit of stiffness, every ache, every drop of sweat, and then some.

Here’s the thing: no one else may see changes in my body, yet. That doesn’t matter right now. I see. I feel. I know. Change has begun. That’s what matters.

Also what matters is something that’s been weighing on me and I want to get it off of me, and it’s this: very little of this struggle has to do with Mr. F. I’d lost much most of my sass long before I met him. I’d de-valued myself long before I’d ever seen his name, before we became friends online, before we started texting and talking and all of the rest. I’d forgotten how good it felt to feel good, how important it is to care for myself, how sugar is not my friend. I’m not saying it didn’t worsen after we broke up, because it surely did. A broken heart will do that to a girl. But my loss of self and sass–those are things I did to myself. Getting back my sass is something I do for myself, because I matter.

I read this quote earlier today, and it seems fitting:

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”

–Chuck Palahniuk

I want to learn to remember the sweetness. That matters, too.

ETA: Number 42 is off the needles. 43 will be cast on sometime today. I’m doing this. I mean it. Meaning that I mean to get that sucker cast on today.


About Kymm

I'm a reader and writer and knitter, a sister, daughter, and friend. This blog is my letter, of love and hate, frustration and joy, rants and praises, to a great big world. You can read it if you want to.

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