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Monthly Archives: April 2013

Now I’m on a break

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I’m taking that blog break I thought I was going to take a couple of weeks ago. I’ll be back when I’m ready.

 

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Kinder

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I wrote some yesterday about the good feelings I’m having because I’m getting up off of my fine wide arse and moving. Physically, I feel about 1000% better. Mentally, I’m clearer. Emotionally, better, but here’s the thing–I don’t know that I’ll ever fully adjust to this New Normal stuff.

I am happier. Much happier. But I’m not seeing my way back to where I was. How could I possibly go back? Loving Mr. F changed me on a fundamental level, and will continue to change me. I’ll never be the same. I’m making peace with that, and even–here’s a shocker–finding some good in it. It could be that I’m a little more compassionate. A touch more empathetic. Kinder. Have a few less sharp edges. I’d hope so.

I’d also hope that I can take what I’ve learned and felt and know deep in my bones and use it to do some good. What good is the knowledge of suffering if one doesn’t turn that toward lessening someone else’s pain? That’s a question that’s much on my mind right now. I want to make a difference, even in the smallest of ways.

 

What matters

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My back hurt and my knees hurt and though it was sunny, the wind was sharp, and I almost wimped out and went back to the car. Almost. Then I firmed up my resolve and got moving and I had one of the best walks I’ve had in a very, very long time. By the time my car was back in sight, I was feeling like I could go on for somewhere close to forever. The pain and stiffness in my back–gone. My knees–still working. The cold wind–forget it. Damn, but I felt good, and that’s exactly what I’ve been working toward all this time. That feeling.

It’s not about the numbers. It’s not about my size. It’s about that feeling of overall well-being, that sense of accomplishment, that feeling that, if only for a while, all is so very right in my world. That’s worth every bit of stiffness, every ache, every drop of sweat, and then some.

Here’s the thing: no one else may see changes in my body, yet. That doesn’t matter right now. I see. I feel. I know. Change has begun. That’s what matters.

Also what matters is something that’s been weighing on me and I want to get it off of me, and it’s this: very little of this struggle has to do with Mr. F. I’d lost much most of my sass long before I met him. I’d de-valued myself long before I’d ever seen his name, before we became friends online, before we started texting and talking and all of the rest. I’d forgotten how good it felt to feel good, how important it is to care for myself, how sugar is not my friend. I’m not saying it didn’t worsen after we broke up, because it surely did. A broken heart will do that to a girl. But my loss of self and sass–those are things I did to myself. Getting back my sass is something I do for myself, because I matter.

I read this quote earlier today, and it seems fitting:

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”

–Chuck Palahniuk

I want to learn to remember the sweetness. That matters, too.

ETA: Number 42 is off the needles. 43 will be cast on sometime today. I’m doing this. I mean it. Meaning that I mean to get that sucker cast on today.

 

Brain dump Wednesday

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It’s a gorgeous day, sunny and much warmer than it’s been the last few days, and it’s calling to me. I won’t be inside too much longer this afternoon, and you can bet I won’t be coming back in until I absolutely have to. Days like these are as precious as gold. More precious, because once gone, they’ll never come back. You can hang onto gold if you want–I’d rather have golden days.

Hat number 42 is coming along and it’ll be off the needles by days’ end or someone is getting what-for (that would be me). No word yet on when number 43 will be cast on.

I’m thinking about getting a passport. No reason, really, other than I’ve never had one and it somehow seems a hopeful act.

I’m trying really hard to be a better friend. I’m trying to remember to send a card or a note on days that matter to the other person. I’m getting better at it, slowly. Sometimes, a little note in the mail can turn another person’s day around. I want to remember that.

I have a boatload of white socks–which, by the way, I do match up before putting them away, and yep, I really am a super-sexy minx in my white socks–but I still seem to run out of them awfully fast. I need a laundry minion. Laundry and cleaning the bathroom are the two household tasks that I really don’t like the most. Dusting is pretty high up there, too.

Customer reviews on Amazon are good snarky reading. Look up the banana slicer if you haven’t already.

Well. Sitting here does not get my white socks matched up and put away, nor does it get me closer to the great outdoors, so later, taters. Be good today. Don’t forget to be good to yourselves, either, because you deserve it. Yes, YOU. I mean it. You are worthy. Just sayin.’

Making the most of it

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It’s chilly and gloomy and I have a weather-related headache, but I’m going to make the most of the day, and maybe even get some knitting done, and wouldn’t that would be great?

Activity will be on the mild side today, owing mostly to the headache, but also because of the stiffness I have after yesterday’s long walk in the woods. It was up hill and down for much of my walk–but that’s not a complaint. I’m not even sorry about the resulting stiffness today, because it felt so good to be outside, I exceeded my hopes for the walk, and I was darn proud of myself for what I’d accomplished by the end of the walk. It’s possible that I may have given myself a round of applause and a “woo hoo!” too.

There were flowers in bloom, folks, right out there in the woods, and the sight of those made my heart soar. I also spotted a fungus I don’t know that I’d ever seen before:

Scarlet_Elf_Cup_fungus

I’ve identified it since as Scarlet Elf Cup, and it’s a beauty, with an intense orange-red color that the picture (not mine, by the way), doesn’t quite capture.

Wherever you are, whatever the weather, I hope you make the most of your day, too.

 

Number 42

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It’s finally on the needles, because number 41 is finally off the needles. I’ve been trying to put a positive spin on this. I don’t think I can. There is no way it should take me a week to knit up a hat, but may I just say that I’m really, really tired of knitting hats? Seriously, y’all, I am. But I’m so stinkin’ close to the goal, there’s no way I’m quitting. Not now. But suffice it to say that once I’m there, it might be a while before I feel like knitting another hat.

In other news, I really just want to nap this afternoon, but I’m getting my fine wide arse up and out for a walk in a bit while the weather is still decent. The forecast for tomorrow doesn’t look all that great and I’m predicting I’ll be staying inside, so making hay while the sun shines (metaphorically speaking–it’s gloomy out) makes sense. Fresh air will do me a lot of good today, too.

That’s it from here–I’m looking forward to that walk now! Do yourself a favor and do something nice for yourself, too, because you’re nice.

 

 

 

Happy Saturday

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It’s a chilly but sunny day here, and I am loving the sunshine. I won’t be staying inside this afternoon, not while that blessed sun is out and brightening up the world!

I ran across this brief article on happiness earlier this morning and think it makes good sense, particularly number 5. Give it a read if you have a couple of minutes–that’s all it’ll take. http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8621/5-things-to-stop-doing-if-you-want-to-be-happy-now.html

What’s making me happy right now, aside from the sunshine, is knowing that I’m getting happier as I get healthier. I’m seeing, again, my uniqueness. More than that, I’m glad to be who I am. I’m glad to be working toward who I’m to be. That’s a pretty great state of mind to be in.

One last thing to share before I get ready to head out into the light is this, something my friend, Marey, posted on FB last night:

Be the good

Be the good. A phrase I used in yesterday’s post, and then it randomly shows up on FB. I love it when things like that happen.

I’ll likely be taking a partial tech sabbath starting late tonight. Phone’s on. I’m here.

Be good, and be the good. I’ll see you soon.