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Sunday lament

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I broke my tech sabbath today in hopes of getting some work in, to make up for slacking last week. No joy there, and I’m not planning on lingering online waiting to see if anything shows up. That’s the nature of my work–sometimes there’s more than I can possibly do; other times, nada.

I need to do laundry but am reluctant to go upstairs to the laundry room after another unpleasant incident with my mom yesterday. That’s her realm, the upstairs, and it’s one I’m not eager to enter today.

Emotional upheavals are becoming more frequent with her, and while on an intellectual level I have some understanding of why they are happening, in the moment they are difficult to deal with. I’m three years old again and being subjected to the tyranny of an angry parent whose contriteness following a blow-up is as over the top as the outburst. Neither is easy to take, so I hide like a fearful child. I avoid. I’m good at that.

If there’s anything good in this, and I’m reaching here, it’s that this kind of behavior is becoming less closeted than it has been for many years, and my siblings and their spouses are starting to see this. Perhaps they are beginning to realize that it has not been easy for me, dealing not only with mom but their lack of credulity when I’ve complained. Which has not been often, because I have not been listened to or believed. Perhaps they will become more my allies and less other combatants in this battle that will inevitably lead to all of us losing something in the end.

This is hard, hard stuff.

Give me strength. I can only carry so much.

About Kymm

I'm a reader and writer and knitter, a sister, daughter, and friend. This blog is my letter, of love and hate, frustration and joy, rants and praises, to a great big world. You can read it if you want to.

3 responses »

  1. You need to connect with an Alzheimer’s support group right now. This behavior won’t go away, and may deepen over time. Don’t try to face that alone, cuz you won’t succeed in hiding from it for long. Take care of yourself with the help of people who’ve been through it…

    • Emily, we’re not sure it’s Alzheimer’s. There hasn’t been any kind of assessment, and so long as she’s capable of saying “no,” there likely won’t be unless there’s a rapid decline in her ability to function day to day. It is old age and facing her mortality more than anything else that is at the root of this, and there’s nothing that can be done that I know of to assuage that. For all her talk of faith and trust and hope, Mom is terrified of what comes next.

      And to be clear, it’s not any disease I’m hiding from. It’s the plain fact that I’m the target of her frustrations and fears. It may be cowardice to hide from the products of those, but that’s what I’m living with and if I can avoid it, I will, for my own sanity’s sake.

      • It is cowardice, and I’m better than that. It’s been a bad couple of days and it’s worn me down some, but I’m not out yet. I can deal with this. I have to. I will get through this.

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