I broke my tech sabbath today in hopes of getting some work in, to make up for slacking last week. No joy there, and I’m not planning on lingering online waiting to see if anything shows up. That’s the nature of my work–sometimes there’s more than I can possibly do; other times, nada.
I need to do laundry but am reluctant to go upstairs to the laundry room after another unpleasant incident with my mom yesterday. That’s her realm, the upstairs, and it’s one I’m not eager to enter today.
Emotional upheavals are becoming more frequent with her, and while on an intellectual level I have some understanding of why they are happening, in the moment they are difficult to deal with. I’m three years old again and being subjected to the tyranny of an angry parent whose contriteness following a blow-up is as over the top as the outburst. Neither is easy to take, so I hide like a fearful child. I avoid. I’m good at that.
If there’s anything good in this, and I’m reaching here, it’s that this kind of behavior is becoming less closeted than it has been for many years, and my siblings and their spouses are starting to see this. Perhaps they are beginning to realize that it has not been easy for me, dealing not only with mom but their lack of credulity when I’ve complained. Which has not been often, because I have not been listened to or believed. Perhaps they will become more my allies and less other combatants in this battle that will inevitably lead to all of us losing something in the end.
This is hard, hard stuff.
Give me strength. I can only carry so much.