I have a sad history of shooting from the hip–speaking or writing on complete impulse and doing something stupid or mean as a result. I did that last night when I shot off an email to someone from whom I’d ordered some knitting patterns. I’d erred in making the order but didn’t want to fully admit it so tried to make the designer more at fault than I was.
I got a reply today that was nice enough and included the patterns I’d ordered, and while I got what I paid for, I got something I didn’t really want–a bad taste in my mouth and someone thinking poorly of me because of that snarky email. I did apologize for my ill behavior, and while I’m unlikely to ever meet this person face to face, that bell can’t be unrung.
It could be I’m making too big a deal of this, but it’s been bothering me since I hit the “send” button. This has been a pattern throughout my life, and I just don’t quite know how to alter it. If I keep my mouth shut for too long, keep adding to my basket of hurts and injuries that Mr. F so accurately described, sooner or later it’s going to be full and it’ll all come spilling out. If I don’t keep my mouth shut, then I feel mean and petty and small-minded and childish. Where and how does one find an appropriate balance?
I suppose that I even think about this kind of thing and that it bothers me so at times is a hopeful sign. Right? But I do so wish I could call so many of my words back to me. Stop shooting from the hip and take careful aim, and pause before pulling that trigger. Remember some words I read years ago: The morning is wiser than the evening.
Unless, of course, the morning is just as stupid as the evening is.