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Monthly Archives: March 2012

Saturday shortie

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I’m off on yarny adventures with knitting pals in a bit–no plans to buy anything other than my lunch, but I’ve been isolating a little this week and some human contact will do me good. I suspect there’ll be a giggle or two somewhere, and that’ll help, too.

Make it a good day, all!

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Freeplay Friday

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What say we get some positive mojo going? There’s a lot of great stuff outside my window–how ’bout yours?

When free isn’t such a great thing

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I was out for a little drive yesterday when I spied a pile of old red bricks someone had dumped–maybe three or four dozen of them. Weathered old bricks. Cool weathered old bricks.  Vintage brickage. I immediately thought of snagging them to use to outline my mom’s flower beds, so I stopped and loaded them up, chortling over my find as I drove off.

About halfway home with my load of free goodies, I started thinking. I know, that’s dangerous, but there I was, thinking. About how my mom broke her hip a few years ago and how she’s not quite so steady on her feet anymore and how she’s 86 and on the fragile side and how those bricks might be a trip hazard. I even thought about what might happen if she fell and broke the other hip and, more specifically, about who’d be caring for her if that happened. Selfish, I know, but one does think of these things.

Sigh.

So now I have  a trunk full of bricks and I’m not sure what to do with them. My stupid moral code tells me it would be wrong to take them back to the dump site and re-dump them. My experience with Freecycle tells me no one will come and get them if I posted them on the site. I don’t know anyone else who needs old red bricks, not unless you do, in which case, come and get ’em. I’ll give you a really good deal on them.

Sometimes free isn’t so great.

Lyrical Wednesday

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So after that little meltdown yesterday, I needed some solace. I took a walk in the woods, and, not surprisingly, it soothed and calmed me, cleared my head and my heart a little, and I felt a whole lot better afterwards. This poem by Frost captures some of that feeling, as well as stays me in the happy moments.

A Prayer in Spring

by Robert Frost

Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.

Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.

And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfill.

 

A mean cosmic joke

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You know how you’re going along and you think things are pretty good and you’re maybe even a little happy, and then BAM! some great cosmic joker delivers a punchline that knocks you flat?

I was doing the rounds on Facebook before heading off to bed last night and there was this photo. The person who posted this photo never posts. Hardly ever never, if you know what I mean, but he posted last night, a nice picture of his fiancee alongside a nice little stream with a nice little fishing pole, in a nice little place where Mr. F just happens to live and work.  Ouch. I mean, really, OUCH.

I can’t seem to get much of a break here. If I’m not reliving a trip we took together or a bit of silliness or some sacred moment shared with him when some unbidden memory comes to me, then some phrase we used all the time pops into my head and won’t leave, or something else will trip and trigger another tiny bullet to my heart. Damn. Just damn.

A couple nights ago I don’t even know what it was but there I was, in tears again. I’m not a crier, but I’ve shed enough to fill that nice little stream and then some these past few months.

So is this ever going to ease?

A friend asked me if this–this inability to truly get on with it, without him, this damn neverending hurt, the way I just can’t stop loving that man even though it would be better for me if I did or could or would–is something I’m making up, some romantic fantasy, a romance novel echo of the woman who stays true no matter what. It’s a perfectly valid question and one that I’ve asked myself more than once.

The answer, inevitably, is no.

She used the word “unhealthy” to describe my state, not in that I’m depressed–I’m not, at least not in my experience (been there, in case you’re wondering, and this is nothing like that hell. It’s a completely different hell. Nicer digs, but still hell), or in that I’m deliberately creating falsehoods about the state of the relationship–it’s over, his choice, not mine, goddamnit, but it’s over. I get that and I hate it and I hate even more that I do that stupid girl thing of trying to contact him. To what end, I wonder? Which brings me back to the question my friend asked and still the answer is “no.” The relationship wasn’t perfect, but whose is? There were problems and faults and stupid dumbass things we both said and did , and didn’t say or do, that contributed to the end of what could have and should have been something that made other people look on us with envy. But yes, over by his choice.  I get that.

See? Unhealthy. I can’t quite get past losing him, and us, and all the promise that was there.  It’s always, always there. He’s always there, lodged in a place in my heart and mind and soul that I can’t get to–only he can.

I have been in love before. But this is unlike anything before, when after a time it just wasn’t there anymore, the love I’d once felt. Sometimes I wake up now and think “well, shit, I still love him.” And that’s what I do. I wake up and I love him. I move through my day and I love him. I go to sleep and I love him. I wake in the night and I love him. It is my occupation. It is my profession. It is what I do, and I don’t know how to stop it. I only know that this thing I feel and do and live every day of my life, that is as much a part of me as my blue eyes and my freckles and that little dimple at the side of my mouth–this is the real thing, and it won’t go away.

And that may be the biggest mean cosmic joke of all.

Later: Gah, what a whiner. If nothing else, I know what love is now, and that’s not really something to be complaining about. All of this is still true, but it’s only part of the picture. My life is pretty good, even if there is a hole in it.

Money Monday

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So I’m coming to the end of my six-month promo package for internet service and was less than giddy at the prospect of paying 15 to 20 dollars more per month for continued service. I’ve been really pleased with my service provider and didn’t want to switch providers unless that meant a substantial savings on service.

I was looking online at my options for lowering my bill and had an online chat with a rep, who suggested I call the “loyalty department” at CenturyLink, my provider, to see about a cheaper bill. Who knew there was a loyalty department? I called the number I was given, which took me to the repairs department in Phoenix (and it makes so much sense for me in Iowa to call a nice lady in Phoenix for a repair job), but she quickly transferred me to the correct department. I was on holds hell for a while–no muzak, but plenty of encouragement to bundle my packages (because that would be a dream come true), but in less than five minutes with an actual live person named Laurie, I got a nice 50% discount on continued service for the next 12 months. It was worth the call and the wait.

Remember my switch from a contract phone plan to pre-paid? It’s been a month since I switched over and I’ve saved about $35.00 this month. Just a couple of fairly easy changes and now my phone and internet will be about what I was paying for phone service alone. Yay!

Cash expenditures have been down this month, thanks to continued tracking of my spending as well as more careful choices on what is worthy of my money. I’ve trimmed back enough that I should be able to get through at least half part of April with the remainder of my cash allowance from March, and, unless something unusual happens, as it did this month, my credit card bill should also be substantially lower.

The best part? I’m still not missing much of anything, and I think I may even be a little more content with less. I’m sure happy with seeing the savings.

It’s Mandatory Family Fun day!

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Help me.

Much later: So it wasn’t as grim as I’d anticipated–that’s always a bonus. I give it a C -/D + on the organization side of things, however, despite everyone having been assigned tasks. I think three of us did what we were spozed to do, and “the men,” who were to clean up, did a swell job of sitting there while “the girls” did all that work.

I’m still puzzling over the necessity of name tags at a family gathering. It was not a huge crowd and we’ve all known each other all our lives . . .